P.S.- ...
Just felt I had to share...
I've had my own downs... Hell some of you can still remember when I came on and posted about hoping and wishing I were to be shot.
The fact remains I feel so useless most of the time... I don't feel I have any purpose here.
My best friend of 2 years has grown so distant from me...
I haven't had a relationship in what feels like ages...
And I've never had any accident or nothing to warrant this.
My Mom and Dad split when I was about 10/11... She went and slept around a bit and, due to my room being right beside hers, I could hear all the noises at night. I've been sexually traumatized from such a very young age...
My Dad was an alcohlolic and a wife beater... I always feared him most of both of my parents. My step-Dad was no charm either...
My step-Brothers and I have been at ends since so early on thanks to their Dad giving me alot of their things that were theirs in child hood...
In my life there have been no real good male influences... As such as things went on and I was hurt all the more by males and so forth... I grew a hatred for males and all things "men."
Thanks to the amount of compassion, love and all I can feel I can connect to people on a very unprecedented level... As such I once fell for my best friend that way.
She was raped at a very young age... Just so she could save
her friend from being raped.
Don't ask how or nothing, but... Due to the connection her and I once shared... I can honestly say I know what it feels like for a female to be raped.
Yes people in all actuality I was not born female... I've said this long ago around when I first started coming her and all, but... It was subdued due to a falling out between TFM and myself.
I have chosen to become transgendered... Have not yet begun going through the process, but hope to start this year. I decided that 2006 would be my "year of definites"...
I am also attracted to females, making my getting a relationship harder than most anybody else.
I have one friend going through the same thing as me... Her name is Alexia. So I have supposrt from that end, too...
I know for alot of you this is not "kousher"... And some of you are also of a rather young age to be hearing such things. But I just can't hold it in any more...
It is a part of me to talk about me, my life, etc. to those I care about and see as close to me...
I have been in relationships that were straight ones... But that was back when I was trying to discover myself and was still bi.
One relationship the reason she broke up with me was because I am far too much a "woman"... Now that hurt... But I have not changed since.
I have changed, though... Just that I have grown stronger in appearance.
Meanwhile, deep inside... I have been breaking apart... All I tend to feel deep within is pain of the worst possible kind...
I come here because I know I can come here. Not necessarily "spill my guts"... But I can come here and talk to you about anything other than my problems.
This all makes me feel better when I can enguplh myself in a topic about a kitbash... Or even the random meanderings of Gawd, DF and myself. (
)
I come here as a form of escape... Kitbashing is purely an escape for me... I don't know what I'd do without it to help keep me focused.
I don't know what I'd do without this "monster"... (As TFm so kindly put it.
)
Well... I have to go now... Take care you all and I'll be back tomorrow. ^^
I'll say it again... I love you all with the deepest care and admiration... My family... ^_^
-Rikku